Thursday, August 25, 2011
The Meat of The Matter
The Meat of the Problem
Bo "Goober" Smith is seated on his patio smoking a lettuce cigarette. He is seated beneath the federally mandated 25 horsepower exhaust fan. Although it is August, Goober is covered head to toe with an old Army blanket to avoid harmful UV rays of the Sun as directed by the Federal Sun and Moon Beam Avoidance Council. Above the noise of the fan Goober hears his cell phone. "Yellow" answers Goober. A muffled voice on the other end says, "Goober, its Bernie, the butcher." "Yeah, Bernie, what can I do for you" Goober answers. "Er, are you alone?" asks Bernie."Yep"says Goober, "the wife and kids are gone to a mandatory recycling class down at the Federal Court House. Why, what do you want?"
There is a long silence on the line. Finally, Bernie says" Goober, remember that TBone you bought last week?" "Shore do" says Goober, "it was good too." Bernie takes in a deep breath, "Well, the Federal Cholesterol Control boys were in today looking at my books. Seems that you are over the limit this month on animal cholesterol intake....Goober, this could get nasty."
Goober swallows hard. "Did you tell them it didn't have much marble? Bernie, I gotta have some help here, they had me up on an excess sugar charge last week. I could lose my eating privileges." "Look," Bernie begins,"that Tbone was registered, all cuts of red meat are serial numbered, they can trace it back to the cow.Then the weight of the cow tells them how much marble was in the meat."
Goober lights up another lettuce cigarette, takes a sip his pure carbon filtered, dehydrogenated, dematerialized water as he thinks. "What if I tell them that I fed it to the dog?" Goober is sweating. Bernie snorts, "Goober, you know the Feds just want to make sure you stay healthy, they care about your health,Goob. It's because you can't be trusted to take care of yourself, they gotta watch you. Besides, they can analyze the dogs breath for traces of cholesterol."
Goober is getting hysterical. "But, Bernie, my tooth brushing log book is way behind, my walking shoes still have new soles and the dandruff is out of control."
Goober picks up a dozen eggs, "Bernie! I'm going to end it all! I swear I'm gonna eat the whole dozen eggs and go out in a blaze of Cholesterol...I mean it."
The line goes dead.